A Christmas Story

"Christmas, Christmas ever so overestimated annual event! " my mum screamed in the early morning. Her cry got us all get out of bed immediately and rushed into the kitchen.

In the kitchen, we all found Mum in her PJ, sitting on the floor, covered with white powder.

"Ah, are you ok?" Dad was the first one to dare to start a conversation.

"What do you think?" was her response. "Hah? Don't you see how upset I am? You have no idea why I am so upset, don't you? Hah? No idea at all!"

It wasn't exactly a promising comment for a nice and cozy family breakfast to take place. I was determined to contribute my idea to lighten up the heavy air and said,

"Can I have breakfast? I am hungry."

It was one of the worst lines I have ever uttered in my life.

"You just don't care, do you? I'm just a cook or a servant to you all, am't I? No interests for how I feel or what I do! You just don't give a thought about my well-being, my feelings, my life!!! I am just like a pot in the kitchen providing food, fulfilling your empty stomach. Or, or, or just a hoover cleaning the mess you make. I am not even visible to ya, am't I? You don't look at me. You don't notice any changes in me at all. You don't appreciate my presence at all. Why do I bother to cook, clean and organize the bloody Christmas party for people who don't respect and care my being?"

She was absolutely in a chaotic state of mind. She screamed lines and lines of hurting words like sharp knives in the core of your heart as she smashed dishes and glasses on the floor. It was more frightening than most of horror movies I've even seen. Dad and I stood helplessly beside Mum, wishing desperately her emotional tempest would eventually go away.

"Honey."

"Don't you Honey me now, you heartless bugger. What have you done for me lately? You just come home exhausted and sit on the couch sipping beer, doing nothing at all. What comes out from the mouth is either the depressing sigh or 'Oh, dear.'  You go out on your own with your mates and have fun outside. I always sit on the bloody kitchen chair alone, asking what happen to my happy days with laughters and full of music and friends to share the joy of being. "

"Ah..."

"You just don't listen to me, don't you? You don't care what I think, do you? Do you???"

"em...May I say something?"

"I am asking, am't I?"

"Right. Excuse my stupidity but I do care about you, my dear."

"No, you don't."

"Well, I am not here to argue with you on the matter. But I do know how I feel and I do care about you. I truly do."

"Then why don't you help me out for the house work?"

"I do when I can. But why do we argue on who do washings or not in such an early morning on Christmas Eve? Why did you start making cake in the morning?"

"Just because I invited some friends over the Christmas dinner and wanted to make it so special!"

"Did you ask us to help you out?"

"No. But you should volunteer for helping!"

"Well, I am sorry but I had no idea what's in your mind. Ok. What can I do to help you? Our daughter will help you too. Don't you, dear?"

My goodness! I thought to myself. I didn't know how tactful Dad can be with Mum. It must be a secret of long and lasting married couple with a stepchild. He is not my biological father but I wanted him to be at the moment. He was doing a terrific job to calm Mum down like a pro magician with his words. I was well-impressed with his skill and nodded so deeply with full approval with his suggestion.


"Well, I suppose we can start from doing something with the mess around here, can't we?"

Mum did not respond to that and sat down on a chair covered with flour.

"Well, you must be exhausted, dear. Please take a rest. We'll make you some tea and take care of this mess." said Dad and put the kettle on the stove.


I didn't dare to comment anything but gave the approved nod and joined his healing mission.

After all the mess was wiped and the fury was subsided, we all sat on the chairs at the kitchen table silently as we sipped the strong tea with plenty of milk together.

Dad mumbled, "Oh dear." and then covered his face in shame, apologizing, "Sorry. I did it again. Oh, dear..."

He looked up the ceiling in vain : I started giggling. Mum also started giggling. The hysterical giggle stayed for a while with us, sweeping the heavy air away.

Have a little more faith in yourself!

"Have a little more faith in yourself!" is the word I was given repeatedly by one of my best mates / mentors.
He probably has no memory of what he said because it always happened when he was extremely drunk. It was alway just before he lost his conscious due to the massive amount of alcohol, he looked into my eyes and said his line. He said that so many times that this line was engraved onto my mind and grows every single day even now. This memory comes back to me so vividly because of the party I had last night with bunch of lovely people.

After finishing to revise my paper on self-esteem, I cooked some food for the little christmas party. It was also a debut gig for Momo (my daughter). She was so reluctant to go with me, telling me how tired she felt and how boring it could be. But somehow my heart told me not to get her away from this opportunity to meet and mingle with unique, creative and inspiring individuals. So, I gave her the smile that said, "I won't take no for an answer". By now, she knows the awful consequences if she objects to the smile. So, she came along, dragging the heavy guitar and the heart.

She was in a devastating state of mind due to the terrible test score she got at school in spite of her tremendous effort. The worst news for her was that it was the English test. She got 58 in 60 in speaking test and full mark in listening but when it came to translation from Japanese to English, she got into one of the worst three in the 8th graders. She just couldn't memorize all the meaningless lines no matter how much she tried. It was heartbreaking time to see her struggle so much and lost all her self-esteem for such a tiny little matter like an English test at a Japanese school. But don't you remember the school life and test scores meant the whole world for you when you were 14? Perhaps it meant more in Japan for more students become more obedient to social rules in general. Momo is not an exception. She takes a measure, the school grades way too seriously and thinks she is a total loser. The school grades are one of the most influential measures for "success" but it is NOT a tool to measure your value as a human. I can't repeat this enough and I want her English teacher repeat this as well instead of killing all her enthusiasm towards learning and discovering unknown. The fatal line, the bullet in her heart from the teacher was, "You may not be able to go to the high school unless you try harder." This is a spit on your face. This is a kick in your already bruised butt. This is a bucket of cold water on your head on the freezing winter night. Such words humiliate you.  Such words pierce your heart and numb it. Little by little, I can see her heart stop taking things in due to the pain, humiliation, disappointment, despair that come along with heartless words like that. It is not even truthful. It is just a harsh and mean words reflecting the teacher's irritation towards his lack of ability to inspire and motivate his students. I've heard so many lines like that back in school days and I know that none of them are true now. But how do you know when you are just 14 and the school life occupies 80% of your conscious life?

I truly wished she had a friend like my best mate telling her repeatedly that how wonderful and special she is because who she is. I wish I could be her best friend but as you know for a teenager, a mum is a mum not a friend. She needed a person who has a faith in her. Someone who is not a member of her family and looks at her objectively and genuinely appreciates her presence in her/ his life. Someone like my best mate.

At the party, a big help from my partner and the amazing audience, Momo managed to play some tunes and got applause, telling her how wonderful performer she was. Except a few people in the crowd, no one really knew what mental state Momo was in and what she really needed. For me, those encouraging sweet words from them were the best Christmas gift I can ever think of for Momo. The words from the cool grown-ups who enjoy their lives and successful in their own way. They had no idea the impact of their words on her. But those words she heard last night were like the line I carry every single day, " Have a little more faith in yourself." By the time we got home after joining the second party at a bar, the little twinkles came back to her eyes. This morning she said, " It was fun.."

Her frozen heart has melted a little. Of course, it takes time to build more faith in herself. But at least, she experienced that there were the whole wider world with all jolly and lovely awesome grown-ups.
And those people appreciate her presence and talent.

Thanks to the jolly mates and their Christmas spirit. I truly wish you a very merry Christmas!!!

An inspiring message

A few nights ago, Momo, my teenage daughter sat on a couch in the living room next to me and took a deep sigh as she mumbled, "I wish I had a teacher like him."

Then she showed me the message of a school teacher who gave the last homework to his student before he passed away. The message said:

The last homework
 No specific deadline.
"Become happy."
Perhaps I would be in heaven when you turn in this homework. Do not rush to hand it in.
Take your time. But please tell me face to face, "I have become happy." I will be waiting to hear from you.

What messages would you like to leave to your children or family? Ultimately, the message I would like to leave my children is the same. "Please find your happiness within your heart."

Christmas Story for The Magical Story Tribe

After reading the inspiring book, The Element in the bath on the Saturday morning, this story popped up out of my heart. I would love to make some collage based on this story later.

Sakura’s Christmas

Sakura lost her dad when she was only 3 years old. She was born in Seattle in the United States of America. But her mom decided to come back to Japan when Sakura’s dad passed away. Her mom said,

“Sakura, we will go back to my home country and be with our family.” Sakura was not happy about saying good-bye to all of her friends and wonderful neighbors. But she liked the idea of being with her family.

Sakura lived with her funny grandpa, loving grandma, two playful uncles and mom. Sakura was a happy girl loved by everyone of her family.

As soon as she got into a nursery school nearby her grandparents’ house, she made some good friends. The neighbors welcomed her and her mom and everything was just fine. Sakura stopped crying missing her dad little by little.

One cold winter morning, Sakura’s grandma asked her,

「さくちゃん、クリスマスには何をお願いするの?」

「えっとね〜。」

Sakura hesitated to tell grandma her wish.

「なにかな〜？」

「う〜ん。あのね。」

She looked at her grandma in the eyes and asked,

「サンタさんって本当にいるの？」

「もちろんよ。」

「さくのお願いは叶えてかなえてくれるの？」

「さくちゃんは、いい子だもん。かなえてくれるわよ。」

「なんでも。」

「そうね。サンタさんにお手紙書いてみたら？」

Sakura smiled and nodded excitedly.

She wrote a letter to Santa and put it in a envelope. She handed it to her mom and said,

「ママ、サンタさんに手紙だしておいて。」

At that time, Sakura has already forgotten her mother tongue, English. Her mom was sad and wanted her to speak it again. Her mom tried to talk with her in English but Sakura stopped speaking in English back. So, her mom got an idea.

“Did you write in English, Saku?”

“Hah? 何で？”

“well, Santa can’t read Japanese, can’t he? He is from North Pole.”

“Oh…どうしよう。書けないよ”

“ I can help you out.”

“OK!”

So, Sakura started practicing alphabet and got much better.

She asked her mum how to say some of phrases in English such as I wish to see. But she did not tell her mom who she wants to see for Christmas.

Her mom thought it would be Stitch from Disney channel. Sakura loved Stitch at that time.

After a few days of practice, Sakura managed to write a letter to Santa.

She handed it to her mom and said,

「ママ、じゃあ、サンタさんに出しておいてね。」

On the night, her mom opened the letter and it said,

Dear Santa,

Merry Christmas. Last year. Present. Thank you.

I wish to see dad for Christmas.

I am good.

Thank you.

Love

Sakura

“Oh, my, my.”

Her mom sighed. She had no idea what to do with Sakura’s wish.

She did not make Sakura sad on Christmas day.

She walked around her bedroom and thought about it. But she did not get any good ideas. So, she asked her family what to do.

Grandpa shrugged his shoulders. Grandma shed in tears. It was one of Sakura’s uncles, Hiro gave her mom a good idea,

「手紙を書けば？パパからって。」

「そうだよね。いいね。そうしよう。クリスマスだもん。」

So, her mom came up what to write. The other uncle, Yoshi volunteered to write it down on a Christmas card.

On the night before Christmas, Sakura’s mom sneaked into her bedroom and put the card under her pillow. She also put a little bracelet in a little box next to the pillow.

Next morning, Sakura’s family was got up by a big cheerful shout.

「ママ！おばあちゃん！おじいちゃん！見て！見て！パパからプレゼント。サンタさんが持って来てくれたの！」

Sakura showed the card and the present from her dad. She wore the bracelet around her wrist.

“Thank you.” She mumbled. The card says:

Dear my girl, Sakura

Thank you for your request for Santa to see me again on the special day.

He promised me to deliver this letter to you on the Christmas Day.

I was so happy to hear that you still remember me and think of me.

I am so sorry not to tell you this before. I am always with you, Sakura.

When you need me, I am there next to you. You may not see me but I am there. You may be able to feel me if you try. I am so glad and proud that you have made some friends and helped your mom to go back to Japan. You have learned Japanese so quickly. I wish I could understand what you say. But for me, just watching you grow is a gift. I am sorry that I can’t hug you like other dads. But please remember I am always with you.

Love

Dad

It was all written in English. But Sakura could read “dad”. She did not ask her mom what it was written. It was a message from her dad to her. She wanted to read it on her own. She used her mom’s old dictionary to understand the message. It took her very long time to get the message. She asked her mom what “always” and “be with you” mean. When her mom told her it means, 「いつも一緒だよ。」, she was so happy and felt as if her dad was there.

From the Christmas, Sakura always gets a card from her dad with a little present. Sakura became a big girl but she never questioned if Santa is real. For her, the Christmas card and a present from dad is Santa, the love. Once a year, on a Christmas day, a special gift will be delivered to you. That is if you believe in love.

The Element

Flow or zone or the new term, the element is a place your skill meets your potential. That is a place where you can be the best of your ability. That is a place where you feel right and find content daily. I think I have found a place like that. It is in the story circle with children. That is a place where I can feel their heartbeat and breath. That is a place where my beat and their beat make a unique harmony that nobody ever heard of before. The beat of our hearts and souls weave a story together. That is where I would find the joy and the meaning of my presence in this planet. It is not in the dark meeting room where everyone feel suffocated. It is not a classroom where a kid gets bullied by everyone that includes other student's parents and even some of teachers. It is not a school where children are judged by very restricted measures like mid-term tests, last-term test, proficiency tests, and other mini quizzes that kids get almost daily. It is not a place where kids would be controlled to be a heartless robot to serve our society. It is not a park where kids are proctored by mums and caregivers who love them only if they are obedient. It is not a grey street where children's laughters are prohibited. I don't belong those places. I belong to a place where kids can laugh their head off if that is what they feel like. I belong to a place where I can be accepted as who I am as I accept kids who they are. We can fight badly from time to time yet next minute we can hug each other. I belong to a place where I am allowed to speak genuinely. I belong to a place where nobody has to put a fake and cynical smile on her face. That is a place in the story circle with children. The story circle where we share all forms of stories of our own as well as others. That is my element and I would do anything to keep my seat there. Yes, I would.

"Why do I have to study English, Mum?"

It is one of the good questions my daughter asked me once. She is 14 years old, studying English at a private Jr. high school. She took the entrance exam and was accepted a year ago. When she entered the school, she was full of enthusiasm to learn English which she had been exposed as soon as she was born by her mum, myself. As soon as she became 5, we started going abroad and enjoyed our adventure in a different country. In Vaucouver Canada, Hawaii, Alaska, Australia and Guam we travelled on ourselves on a tour or visit my friends living there. She played with some of local kids and joined some of local summer programs for kids as well. She had no fear of speaking English in spite of her low English proficiency. Her speaking ability wasn't so bad as a Japanese kid who had never lived overseas. But her strongest skill in the second language learning is her low anxiety in communicating in English with locals. She developed an excellent non-verbal communication skill via exploring the foreign cities and being exposed to the local cultures.

So, when she marched into English education at the school, I didn't imagine she would ask this question, "Why do I have to study English?". In fact, I was quite offended by this inquiry of hers because I felt that my identity as a bilingual was questioned as well. I didn't answer well at that time. But later she started hating English as a school subject due to the miserable test scores she kept on getting at school. Finally, last semester, she became the worst three students in English and she asked me this question again. This time, I tried to answer her question sincerely because she looked desperately in need to hear my answer.

Here is what I said to her:

I didn't want you to abandon possibilities to take a part in the growing global village where no country boundaries, no ignorant discrimination towards race, nationality, gender, social status, education background and other measures that people used to have due to the lack of accurate information. But I am also aware of the pitfall of the so-called global village where developed and economically dominating countries exploit developing countries via using their cheap labour and products. Losing unique and outstanding cultural identities including the staple diet, the language and regional rituals would be a great loss for the multi-national world with numerous cultural heritages for the future generations. But taking a part in the global village would be better than isolating ourselves in the rapidly changing multi-cultural society. Because I believe that we evolve by adjusting to the changes and learning something new under a new environment. If we stop evolving, the humanity won't survive. And whether you like it or not, English has become a global language and it is one of the most useful tool to have as a communication with as many people as possible under the current circumstance. The status as a dominant language that English has might change as the global economics changes.  But for our generation, such a big change would less likely happen. So, considering the global current circumstance, it is my responsibility, as a mum, as a facilitator of learning for you, a guardian of your future to tell you the potentials of learning this dominant language, English. It is just a potential and it is you who open many doors by using the language as the key. Please remember that you have so many potential abilities to lead a life that you feel proud and love. It is possible to join the global circle to make things better for you and your children without learning English. But equipped with a good English proficiency get you in without so much hustle.  Besides, the way  English is studied at school is just one way. It is not at all the one and only way. In fact, there are so many ways that you may have difficulties to find the most suitable one for you. So, it is too early to stop exploring now and conclude that you don't need to learn English just because a way of studying the language is not suitable for you. Give English a chance to represent your own mind and soul. Once you acquire one more way to speak your own mind, it surely will enrich and empower your presence on this planet.

This is the answer from me to my daughter but I can't tell anyone who ask this good question in any other way.

Lessons for life

My daughter stopped going to the brass band. She needed a break from all the practice, pressures and unnecessary and unpleasant conflicts within the members. She became physically so sick that she had to skip school. To get her healthy teenage life back, she has decided to leave the club for a while. ( It can be for good.) After solving slightly serious problem, she has gained her health and became the cheerful girl again.  Thanks to my partner for taking his time and offering what she needs when she asked him how to play the guitar. I suppose her soul craved for music and the guitar was there. It was miraculous that she actually went up to his room and showed him her interests towards playing the guitar. He did not miss the chance to show her he is also in her cheering team. From that moment, her lesson for life has started.

It is not only about music or playing the guitar. It is about the legendary musicians such as Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, Tracy Chapman, R.E.M,  and their legacy and souls. She has been immerged in their harmony of melody and lyrics. Their music got some power to move even the most apathetic girl towards real life at that time.

This apathy that my daughter showed and declared towards real life bothered me so much. I blamed all the digital culture she is surrounded by. In fact, I was about to organize anti-social networking group to protest this soul threatening addictive culture. She is really into tweet and social networking with other teens she has never met. Her favorite ones are called utaite-san or the singers who upload their own singings to Niko-niko douga (Japanese version of youtube). Some may be talented but many of them are just enjoying to share their performances and comments from the viewers. My daughter is one of the viewers. I won't be bothered if she was the one who upload her performance for it might be a sign of creativity and her own expression. It has been the hardest job I've ever got to take iPhone from her and get her in bed to get some enough sleep to live! Otherwise, she would go online all night long talking to someone she never met. What do you call that if not insanity or addiction?

But after she met those legendary musicians via my partner and his guitar lessons, the way she deal with social networking and online culture has changed. She started listening to great music and reading books as well. She must have realized the taste of good stories again. She also started going out with her classmates and other club members from her school who enjoy my daughter's presence and treat her  as a fellow human. I detect a bit of sweet scent of the puppy love that would burn your soul and show so many colors of emotions. One of the best lessons you can ever get if only you know what it is.

Her trampet seems like sucking her soul out of her but the inspiring music and the warm helping hands my partner offer to her have brought her vigor back. My lesson from her this time is to give enough space for children to grow on their own way. Do not judge teens or any other people based on my old conventions. One more encouraging discovery is that teens love cool and inspiring stories of real people!!!

Lessons for life would go on!