Phew!

I got my gum swollen again. This is what happens when I overworked without breathing for a while. Even though I am suffering from the intense pain(Going to a dentist is a waste of time for this.) I am happy that I've written the first academic writing. 4250 words with quite long appendix. The total number should be around 5000 words. Of course, quantity doesn't count as much as the quality but  the time I have spent and effort I have made are worth praising :-) Sometimes, you need that in order to go forward instead of beating yourself up for being a pathetic writer.

Despite the low quality of my writing, I have got one of the best supporting team for the paper. The team includes an experienced editor, proofreaders, researchers and a teacher-trainer for teachers for young learners. I know how lucky I am and I truly appreciated their support. Without this team, I won't be able to submit the paper on time. Although I am not so certain that my paper will pass the standard of the Master's program, I've learned a lot. Here are some notes for the next one:

1. "no one is born good at academic writing. " 

1. One focus for a research paper

1. Plan more in advance: who (participants), what(focus) and how (methodology).

1. Describe in detail.

1. Read relevant research papers more. 

1. Find a team of friends who would give you constructive feedback.

1. Find a good balance between working and chilling.

In the mean time, I sing "Pain, Pain, Go away!" fingers crossed :-)

My first step into academic writing was bumpier and much more nerve-wrecking than I have imagined.  Now I have realized what the helluva world I have stepped into. After taking this gigantic mountain climbing (if I am allowed to continue), I would surely be armed with much thicker skin and some more essential skills for a M.A. Mama. 

Night alone: reflecting the first year as a mum of a teen.

It is raining outside and I am all alone at home. It is very silent night and I can hear the sound of rain and occasional foot steps of neighbors. I take this night as a gift and will reflect on what I have done through this year as a mum of a teen since she entered the school last April. I remember the face with the mixture of excitement and apprehension in the new uniform on the first day at school. I watched her back feeling as proud as any mums can be in the situation. We didn't know how tough things would be to get used to the new life style then. We moaned and struggled together so much. By summer, I felt so exhausted and didn't know what to do or say to ease her pain and stress. At that time, I was also busy for getting used to my new work in order to gain some more financial security to provide what she needs but ironically lost time to be with her. We hit the bottom at that time. Then, things improved as she started shining again as a member of the school brass band. She gained her confidence and finally started to live again. She also passed an English proficiency test and by winter, she looked enjoying her school life with a certain purpose. But then, she lost her hearing temporarily, according to the doctor, due to the intense stress. Intense stress? Then guilt stepped in my mind asking if it is my fault. At the same time she started questioning of her hectic daily life. She works 7 days a week. Even on the break from club activity, no time to play but study for the tests. No space or time to relax and play. Without knowing what I could do for her at the end of last month, I got on the emotional roller-coaster with her again. We moaned and struggled together again with no clear answer.  That was all I could do. I felt so powerless, helpless and imperfect mum but I made sure that I was there for her when she needed me no matter what. One night, she asked me to scratch her back and fell asleep as she leaned on me. She must have been really exhausted at that night. As I felt her warmth, I felt her heavy heart as well and it was heartbreaking yet I was thankful that she allowed me to feel the heaviness in her heart.

Struggling might be something all the teens go through. Yes. It might be true but it doesn't mean it is easy. It has been a big challenge for both of us to be genuine yet  flexible enough to accept how things are at school. Last night as we took bath together, she said, "Mum, in the first year at Jr.high, I've learned life never been flat. It goes up and down all the time no matter how much you try to stabilize it. So, instead of fighting, I decided to accept it." I lost for words and just nodded, trying not to think about how she came up with such an enlightened comment. If I did, I couldn't have stopped my emotional tempest.

 I am not sure what is gonna happen next but I know that we will be ok as long as we are sincere to each other as we laugh, sing, dance and also moan together when it is needed. When she comes home, I will make sure to tell her that no matter what she deserves to be loved and admired.

Connected

Ok. I did it! I totally surprised myself. The mission has completed. I did got up on the stage in front of the crowds on the March 1st. What a leap from a mum with a little girl, wishing to find a little cozy place to live at the edge of the society to a TEDx Tokyo Teacher's speaker. For some people who are lecturers, presenters and pro-speakers,  it might not such a big deal. But for someone who leads a small and simple life, such a big event was something extraordinary. I must thank my friend, Noriko, who planted this crazy idea into my little simple mind as she posted TEDx Tokyo Teacher's speaker's application on the FB. As I mentioned before, I didn't expect myself to put myself into such a frightening situation. By nature, I think I keep my heart and mind open to something new. But I am also super self-conscious and terrified to be criticized by others. Then why did I dare to get up on the stage?  I guess my crave for sharing and communicating with others got much bigger and stronger than any anxieties and insecurities I still have inside of me. Being accepted as who I am by my family and friends is another reason to be brave and try out things I have never imagined myself doing. This year has been just awesome as my connection with others got deeper and bigger. I feel less fearful and much more liberated. I certainly have developed much thicker skin as well.

I've started reading a book about storytelling called The Storytelling Animal. I suspect that is who we are and that is what I was born to be. We read stories to know about other lives and our own. We tell stories to feel connected with each other. Via my new challenge which is to share my findings in class with other ELTs, I've already met so many unique,wonderful and inspiring people and heard so many extraordinary stories. 

In order to stay little more objective, I imagine my life like a book to write. I am the author of it and all rights served. I am not sure what next page will be like and I don't need to know how it would end. All I know at this moment is my story is getting merrier and richer with much more connections with other open souls. 

On Cloudy Morning

As I got up in this morning, I saw the grey sky and a bit gloomy face on my daughter at the morning table. She has the sudden deafness on her right ear and has to take very yucky medicine. On top of that she won't be able to enjoy music at the moment in order to give a bit of break to her ears. Taking away music from her is like taking her soul out of her. No wonder why her smiles are away from her chubby cheeks. In such an unfavorable circumstance, she always hum but this time she won't even do so. She buried her face into a book as if she tried to escape from the reality.

Then I started to think to myself, "What's the damage to listen to a soothing melody in the morning? She is gonna listen to some lectures that teachers make today, anyway. Why not a song! Just a song to start her day." So, I started searching a good song for her on youtube and found another mellow  yet beautiful tune of our favorite singer, Jason Mraz. We love his thought-provoking message and his beautiful melody with a hint of melancholy. The tile was "When we die".  It can be the most inappropriate song for such a grey morning but it turned out to be the best one to listen because of the message, "Live like it is your last day".

We often take out lives for granted. We live as if we can live forever. We get bored. We get lazy. We neglect to communicate with our family and friends. We tend to be caught up in things that bother us so much instead of appreciating things that you have in your hands. We moan, cry and whinge way too much. But when we take each day as our last day, we act differently. Like my grandparents in their last days, we would appreciate things more. We adore every single moment we have and won't waste any of our time on moaning and whinging. Instead, we would focus on what we can enjoy every single second of our day. We would do something productive not destructive. Who would you like to spend the last day with? What would you like to do? How would you like to be remembered ? By whom?

On the last day, I would like to spend with my family and real friends joking and laughing as we share nice meal and would like to thank every one of them for taking me as the way I am. And I would like to be remembered as who I am: messy, clumsy, cheeky gal who loves this brutally complex yet beautiful world. Like one of my teachers from high school said I am still excessively happy, curious and brutally honest immature being.  Yeah and I know very little about things. Yet I know I am loved and I certainly love the people who dared to get involved in my absolutely chaotic life. And this fact always get me smile even in the tempest.

As we finished listening to the song, I spied a hint of sparkle in my daughter's eyes. I would like to think that she is humming or whistling the tune right now at school. And one day if not today, she would realized she is loved by so many people because of the way she is.

A Cheeky Story

Can you imagine yourself standing on a stage in front of 300 audience, presenting your own idea?
I honestly can't. I repeat I can NOT imagine that. But what if a little crazy idea pops up in your mind one night and acted on the idea without considering the consequences? I sometimes jump into troublesome adventure because those events make me feel so alive. All my senses got sharp and awaken by the shock. I love surprising people, especially myself. I do sometimes I can never imagine myself doing. This story is one of them.

At the beginning of this new year, one of my friends posted about an announcement that TED Tokyo teachers is seeking speakers and entertainers on FB. She challenged us to make action on this opportunity. That was right after I read a book, Dare Greatly about the real meaning of braveness. As a typical of me, I  dared to send an application form just to show how brave I could be. I thought to myself, "No way I got a chance to talk." But I was happy and proud that the fact that I filled the form and sent it to TED Tokyo.

I have been researching on code-switching and its functions in EFL classrooms for young learners, more specifically beginner students at my school. While reading numbers of research paper on code-switching of bilingual children, I came across one of catchy title, We only learn language once. The role of the mother tongue in FL classrooms:death of a dogma. (Butzkamamm, 2003) It tickled my anti-authority and rebellious mind. The paper  asserts how L1 can be one of the most effective resource for language learning and introduces Sandwich technique, founded by a german scholar, Dodson in 70's. It was such a cathy name that I wanted to dig a bit about this technique and by the end of reading his paper, I was hungry enough to taste it in my classrooms with my students.

I have been planning to have Story-based or narrative-based teaching for I am a big believer of story and its magic over mind and souls of young learners. I enjoyed lots of stories as a child and turned my daughter a big story fan. I believe those stories are the foundation of my beliefs and values. Since I collected so many picture books for myself and my daughter, I wanted to share with other kids and hope that they would learn English as they enjoy the stories. I've read a book called, The Storytelling guidebook and learned how to utilize those brilliant narratives for language learning. So, it didn't take me so long to integrate the sandwich technique into my story telling practice.

For the first time, I read a story a little bit higher than my students' English proficiency with brief Japanese translation, they were so engaged to the story that they went so quiet. They could answer all the comprehension questions after the storytelling at ease. I really liked the result and stretched the use of Japanese a bit more for pair work. I gave some pairs some tasks and asked them to work them out together. They immediately code-switched to Japanese but successfully achieved the tasks together.
I liked the spontaneous interactions among them and the support they give each other. They looked engaged and enjoying the challenges. They came up the answers for the tasks in L2 but the spontaneous interaction that occurred in the pair work was conducted in L1. But it didn't bother me after understanding the nature of code-switching and its benefits. Students felt liberated to participate the class more actively and I was amazed and amused by the interactions among students. The vibe in the classroom was positive and lively.

So, I started to hypothesize that by accepting more spontaneous usage of mother tongue in some activities would facilitate more positive learning environment and consequently have students more engaged and active learners in my classrooms.

This bilingual method was in my mind when I filled the application form and didn't have a second thought when I sent it to TED Tokyo. So, that blew me away when I got the invitation to their speaker's workshop. I humbly accepted the offer and went to their first workshop for public speech last Sunday and had one of the most exciting and though-provoking day in my life with amazingly interesting participants and two incredibly supportive, passionate and giving mentors.

I knew what I wanted to tell but as soon as I got on a stage, my mind went paralyzed with nervousness   and words didn't come out from my mouth. Nevertheless, all the participants were patient, supportive and gave me some feedback.

I am not sure yet if TED Tokyo would want me to get back on the stage and let me to get words out of my heart on March 1st. I am not sure if my little fragile heart can take the thrill.

Excuse me? Yes, I have a very fragile and sensitive heart PERIOD

But I would try to get ready for the day because it would worth trying to do something I never imagined myself doing. I am trying to surprise myself.

A personal reflection at the end of the first month of the year.

It has been a month since the new year started perhaps a good time to reflect what went through my mind so far. I've got a few projects in hand, the Action Research on L1 usage, potential HV presentation and TED Tokyo speaker's workshop on this Sunday. I applied to the presentation a few weeks ago and got e-mail from one of organizers of TED Tokyo yesterday. In the application form, I wrote my thoughts regarding English education in Japan particularly on L1 use as a bilingual language teacher. My presentation would uncover what has been going on in the language teaching industry and classroom at school via my personal observation. I assumed nobody would take what I think and try to bring a bit of change seriously because I am just a person in a crowd. Although I personally think everyone has something extraordinary to tell, I never believed people would be interested in my own story for I haven't done anything extraordinary. But I suspect the catchy title - Would you like some BLT Sandwich in a language learning? might have attracted their interest. In fact, what I have contributed to the world is a small private language school for young learners with a little idea.

After my own daughter's birth, I set up Sunnyfield English to facilitate a learning space for local children via learning English. I never wanted to expand the business or numbers of students. In fact, I wanted to keep it as small as 2 to 3 classes a day for 5 days a week with 30 to 40 young learners in order to maintain the homy atmosphere and close relationship with them. However, from last year, the numbers of students started to drop and now become the half of the number used to be. The reason is crystal clear that children grew up and left our house and I haven't found the new ones to look after.  When my daughter was much younger, teaching at Sunnyfield English was the only job I had and I used to take a pleasure in organizing some events and did a bit of advertisement via posting flyers from time to time. Since some of friends of my students kept on joining, the number of students stayed almost the same for about 10 years. I was able to support myself graduating from 4 year university while my daughter was in elementary school while making a nothing fancy but comfortable living by the tuitions I charged. I certainly appreciate all the children and their parents for their support and understanding of my practice. After completing my BA in English literature, I went on learning further and got myself on a Master's program last year. In spite of my passion in this field, my interest and attention has been paid to more personal and professional development as a facilitator but not as an owner of the school.  Nevertheless, the biggest motivation and inspirations to keep this place is those children's laughters and the twinkling eyes when they discover something. I feel so blessed and spirited when I am with children in last 5 or 6 years. I suspect I see the little tiny chubby baby I held 13 years ago in every one of children I meet. In other words, I became one of the mums who blindly and helplessly love her children. It can't be complete unconditional because of little expectations I hold towards them but "humanly" unconditional and compassionate love. There are not much I can do for those beautiful creatures by sharing only an hour a week but one thing I believe I might have a chance to do is to plant the love of reading into the heart of them.  Unfortunately I can't go and read a story a night by their beds like I used to do for Momo but fortunately all of my children have their own mums who can possibly enjoy the stories children bring back to their homes as they leave my classroom. I might be naive to think that a language instructor can bring a bit of change at home but this goal would remain as my life time goal. And if this can be realized more pleasurably with a help of L1, I say why not! In order to keep this wishy-washy dream, this year I promised myself to tell the society where I am and what I do more actively, meaning making flyers and posting them.
After all, If TED Tokyo are willing to listen to what I think, my little idea which is planting the love of reading in the heart of little ones while utilizing children's L1 via BLT Sandwich, might be worth spreading.

Snowy day in 2013 : The first post :-)

The first snow in Tokyo area. It fell quite heavily so that I stayed home and watched the legendary movie, The Load of the Rings. My partner is a big fan of the book and passionately told me about the author, the legendary Tolkien. According to him, this stories were written for the author's grandchildren. I can't imagine a better gift than an amazing original story with full of adventures and wisdom. It is one of classics that would be told and enjoyed from generation to generation. Like most of classics of children's literature, it has some anecdotal episodes that could answer one of unavoidable question of youthful minds: What is the point of my small being?

Having watched three hours of movie, suddenly I was struck with mixed sentiment of heartwarming and heartaching. The latter was for those children who study so hard to enter a school they (or their parents) wish to go without having time to enjoy such a fantastic story on such a cozy day. My daughter was one of them last year and I still remember the awful sentiment I had as I sent off the little fragile back to the test site. Fortunately, she passed the test and has started the completely new life last April.

Almost a year has passed and she has been into the brass band, playing trombone 7 days a week. In spite of the extremely busy schedule and daily challenges she faces as a teen, she has become cheekier, more cynical and critical, experiencing the sweet and bitter taste of a human life. Whether the school she goes to is the right one for her or not, she is in the system, trying to figure out the puzzles she finds daily. There are more than a few things I don't agree with the school policy, especially the way they force students to study all the time, focusing too much on the results, not the process, ignoring the spontaneous and autonomous intellectual curiosity that each children possesses. However, it is not my role to decide whether she should bear the complete teacher-centerd and dictator style of education or not. After numerous sleepless nights, hysterical screams and tongue-biting moments, I have become a little tougher and fairer mum. Now I, at least, try to let her hold the ownership of her life's path. And I hope I have shown her enough to know that when she falls and needs my hands again, I will be there for her.

I have no talent to come up with a story that can make a great classic for children's literature but I might be able to learn and practice the wisdom I have given from the great story.

"This task was appointed to you, Frodo of the Shire. If you do not find a way, no one will. "

I would like to share this quote from the story with my daughter and think about the meaning of the quote together as we walk along the bumpy and dusty road stretching ahead of us. Who knows! she might find such task and might become the one who "change the course of future." 

Happy 2013 to you all!