Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Notes from last night

I have just returned from a Halloween party with kids aged 0 to 5. It was just priceless. I am still in the dazzling of happiness. Why do I feel this? Because all the kids showed me the happy faces. Happiness is contagious and multiply the effect when it is shared. Last night, my daughter reminded me of this fact.

My aging mum has been having difficult time to adjust her own changes physically and psychologically.  This confusion has been going on for a while and we are learning what we can do for her when she gets panicked. When she does, she can't think and act as the way she normally is. She needs someone to walk along outside for a while. Knowing this tendency, my daughter volunteered in spite of her fatigue from nasty cold and vigorous brass band practice. Fortunately, just before they left my parent's place for the night walk, I caught them after work and asked my dad if he could join my mum because it wasn't safe for them to go for a walk at night alone. Besides, my daughter was still recovering from the nasty cold and looked absolutely exhausted from the day at school. She has already skipped a day from school last week and couldn't afford to miss another day in the midst of serious preparation for the first school festival and the brass band concert. Above all, she has been quite ill and really needed to get some more sleep to be fully recovered.

On the way back home, in my car, she started talking about some funny episodes she got from school. We tried to laugh away our worries about my mum's condition which can't be cured instantly. After having the good laugh, she said, "Seeing happiness on other's faces is the happiest moment. Do you think, Mum?"

"Yup." is the only word I could manage to utter because I was in tears.

I knew she wanted to go for a walk for my mum. I knew she didn't care how tired and sick she was. I knew she cared about her grandma a lot. I knew it was a chance for her to give some love back to her grandma. I might have ruined it but I also knew my mum wouldn't be happy when her granddaughter got fever again. So, I had to act a cold-hearted and nasty daughter, dealing with my guilt.

In spite of all her laziness and rebelliousness, in the midst of the inner conflict I had, her words washed the guilt, anxiety and sadness away and retrieved the big smile to my face again. She reminded me of something essential and something genuinely good in us. I truly respect and appreciate her presence in my life for all the lessons she has given me.

Because of what she said last night, those smily and happy faces of children at the Halloween party looked absolutely fantastic.

I tend to be caught up in tiny matters of life and forget something really good, the essence of well-being. I hope I would keep the words of wisdom from the rebellious yet tender spirited girl via sharing them with others.

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